"Spooky Friday the 13th"

*there is a ghost sitting on the park bench. Lately I have been running into many ghosts. Lisa keeps emailing me. Yep, her name has appeared in my inbox several times of the last few months. Some fluke with friendster but I like to think of it more as a cosmic hello than disturbing spam.

Mikey appeared in my dreams for the first time last night. We we're sitting back to back and he spoke to me in a very slow, strange voice. I was crying in the dream and holding on to him. I can't remember what he said. I woke up at 3 with tears in my eyes. I tried so hard to force myself back to sleep, to see him, feel him for a few more seconds. He was there, so clearly. All day I just wanted to tell everyone. I saw my brother. He visited me in my sleep. I saw him for the first time in well over a year. I felt him. I miss him. I have started to forget the finer details of him. It is terrifying.

Lately I have been so angry at the world. I nearly rammed my car into my co-worker's car when he took my parking space the other morning. He gave me this smug little smirk as he pulled into my customary spot just ahead of me. He is always out to prove that he is smarter, better, more worthy. And I fed into his bait. I was so angry. I contemplated keying his car. It scared me. I am just angry and the slightest things set me off. But I am not angry at my colleague. My reaction to him is just a byproduct product of this growing fury within me. I realized last night at therapy that I am incredibly angry with myself. I am angry that I wasn't always the nicest older sister, that I didn't spend as much time with Mike as I could have, that I was somewhat negligent and maybe I continue to be negligent with my family. What kind of person does that make me? Okay enough of the pity party, that is also not who I want to be. I want to get better I do, but this pain will never go away. So I have to learn to be numb.

On to positive subjects, because there is so much positive. I got a new job. I am finally leaving planet G-berg and the land of ALL CAPS emails and volatile bosses. Well who knows I may have a new volatile boss, but I sincerely hope and think not. I am going to be working on a documentary about autism. It is truly going to be a learning experience. It's grass roots film making, making a difference. Now that's exciting. Check it out...