meandering...

Is it strange to have a secret crush on a person that you don't even know? Is it even stranger if that person is a celebrity and all you know of him are characters that he has portrayed (fiction-NOT reality, I know) and from some blog that he supposedly writes? I think I just need a hug or a life or maybe a good roll in the hay. Enough said there on that subject.

Yesterday Mikey's clothes came from Spain. I just got home from a perfectly agreeable morning, ready to brave the rest of my day and the interview in a few hours and there was the box. Another box containing his backpack came later. So we opened them up as a family and I felt the scab picked open again. I cried. I mean these were all of his clothes that he had been wearing the last time I saw him. The shirt that I bought him in Turkey was right on top.

His letters where there, the postcard I sent him from Romania and the postcard that he wrote us a few days before he died. "I'm sure I'll be home by the time you get this," it read. How many stupid things do we do daily and never realize that it may be our last. It's paralyzing when I think about it. One day at a time, one day at a time...It's the most monotonous mantra out there and right now it feels so pertinent and so frustrating. I don't feel any better, the hurt is just getting farther and farther away from me. Pretty soon it will seem so distant and that scares the crap out of me. As the pain retreats so does Mike. I don't want to outgrow him. I don't want to outlive him. I don't want to forget him. We had to throw away his hair brush yesterday. I mean, we can't keep his hair brush. It was broken and nasty but it had his hair in it. What do you do?

We also received his journal. I am not sure that I can read it. Should I read it?

On a more positive note, I went on a job interview yesterday and it went pretty well. It was for a position working with a travel reporter. Oh yeah and I'm in a short play for a Halloween performance at Palos Verdes Playhouse. It's exciting and frightening. I haven't acted since high school but the director seems like a nice guy and what is the worst that could happen...I suck and never do anything again. I want to stop being afraid and live for today. Who knows what could happen one instant from now. Well anyways folks, I should be productive. I am not sure that anyone reads these anymore. It's cathartic nonetheless. Peace.