COS COnference and Things to COme
I have a problem. I expect too much. I expect perfection. I'd like to blame this on my virgo tendencies but that's just foolish because afterall not everything is written in the stars. When I envisioned COS conference I envisioned all 49 of us singing around Brian Crowe's guitar (a fellow PCV), I imagined dancing until four in the morning to silly romanian pop, I pictured a thousands hugs and tears and goodbyes. It's a strange situation we are in. My group had 70 people to begin with, we are now at 49 and though physically we have only been together (meaning in the same room) a total of three months and a week I feel connected to everyone here in some way or another. It is so strange to know people in such an intimate way (I'm talking conversations about everything from politics to fecal matter). We are this strange dysfunctional family. At least I thought we were a family. Suddenly after COS I feel as if I made up this picture in my head. I wanted my group to get along and be friends but people are funny about other people and tempers flare and cliques unavoidably form and somehow COS felt like an effort to make us friends, to make us something that we aren't. I tried putting together a slideshow of our time here and I have to say it's rather nice, actually it's very nice. Beth and I worked days on this stupid show and finally in the moment while I watched the pictures I felt sad instead of sentimental. I felt I was trying to create something really not there. It reminded me a bit of college. Everyone can relate to those classes that became more than a class and those classes where you couldn't even remember the professor's name. I wanted everyone to feel the same as me. I wanted everyone to want to keep in touch. I wanted everyone to act like we had gone through a special experience together. I wanted too much. I just wish that life could be more the way i envision it. But if it was I guess it wouldn't be so interesting. Enough. Tomorrow morning I leave for the states. I am trying to have no expectations so maybe it will be fun.