on losing a brother...

life is strange now. i can't move on and yet i can't stay behind. i keep coming up with silly deals with god to make this all go away. i would work at mcdonald's for the rest of my life if only mikey could live. i would be poor and live in vegas and have to eat carl's junior everyday. i would be so hideously ugly that no one could look at me, who cares, mikey would be alive. i would sell my soul to the devil.
in my head and my heart he is still in spain and probably he will always be. i will never be the same person that i was and that makes me sad. i had it so good for such a long time and i took it for granted.
the other day i was on the bus on my way to classes at smc and i "accidentally" eavesdropped on the phone conversation of the guy in front of me. He was discussing his Nike Air Jordan "all-whites." He discussed them for twenty minutes, in depth and he was completely serious about it. He knew what socks to wear to keep them from creasing (dress socks folded in a very specific way), and how to watch out for and buff out scuffs. I couldn't believe it. How did we let our material things get such a hold on our lives? I will not throw the first stone because i know that i am guilty as anyone but after mikey's death i just can't subscribe anymore. Instants folks. Instants are all we have and who knows what will happen in the next one. I am not preaching fear or cautiousness but exactly the opposite lets tell each other what we feel, lets kiss while we can, drink wine till you are soft inside and warm all over, let's turn off cellphones, talk to the person behind you in line and let's eat dessert. boy that sounds like a bad forward.
mikey i know that you lived each moment like it was your last and thank god.